Fun Fact #11: The (Very) Reverend Valcovar

Today in Fun Facts, a series of articles about characters and plot devices I’ve used in my stories, I’ll be talking about the Reverend Ramsley Valcovar.

The most Reverend Ramsley Valcovar II is a character readers are introduced to in “The Time Saving Agency“, book 2 in Quantum.

Ramsley is a “man of the cloth” as it were, in about the same way as a playboy rock star might be a quality door-to-door linen salesman – smarmy, self-righteous, ambitious, materialistic, cowardly and arrogant. Surprisingly, Ramsley isn’t an old man, he’s somewhere in his mid-thirties. In the story, readers are informed that he’d graduated quite a few years before his debut as a secondary character in the series.

Although I meant him initially to be something of a parody of priests and clergy in general – pious, obsessed with ritual and following the rules, suspected of diddling choir-boys behind the bicycle shed etc. the Reverend later on begins to display nobler aspects to his otherwise stereotypical character.

He’s a graduate of the Reformed Puritan College of Theology (the one on Uripides) – with honors, not that it means much in an age of advanced technology and space travel, where religion is viewed as insignificant, self-deluding childish fantasy… except perhaps as a means to an end – for Ramsley Valcovar it’s a job, a vocation which promises influence and prestige in his local community. Most importantly, it’s a meal-ticket.

Having been born into a wealthy family, Ramsley Valcovar had always wanted the kind of posting where he could settle into a routine of comfort and class, where he could hold three services every Sunday and be invited round afterwards for opulent breakfasts, lunches or dinners by well-to-do members of his congregation. This pretty much sums up his lifestyle in Atro City – where the largest community of Puritans on Deanna is to be found.

In this series, the Puritans are very much one of the last surviving denominations of Christianity since the Great Awakening which occurred shortly after the Third World War nearly a century before. Most religions had gradually faded away, becoming vestigial reflections of Human compassion, hopes and emotions, and then discarded. For some however, letting go of their religious lifestyles and cultures was harder, and some practicing groups lingered slowly towards final unavoidable closure.

The Puritans are essentially written as caricatures of vocal, overt hypocritical Christians – the sort who condemn and persecute the gays, the transgender people within range, while conveniently ignoring the smokers, drinkers, pedophiles, rapists, philanderers and abusers among them. They’re in part based on some Christians (and their churches) experienced in person by the author, which were horrifically hypocritical, to the point of preaching the love of Jesus Christ while at the same time openly funding and supporting churches in Uganda who promoted a genocidal “Kill the Gays” bill and which fostered violence against LGBT people there in the 2010’s.

The Reformed Puritan Church is, like many Christian evangelical groups today, a willfully-ignorant anti-science power and prosperity cult. The Puritans (in a deliberate contrast to their frivolous name) are all about ritual and propriety – and morality, and being proper… at least at face value – but simultaneously also self-entitled, greedy and selfish. Like others before him, Ramsley Valcovar is the consummate Puritan preacher – hellfire and damnation are his staple food, and being utterly and thoroughly conservative, at least to the outside world – he is every inch the pious, frowning condescending clergyman! It’s not about “faith” for Ramsley as much as it is about image, reward and propriety.

Ramsley performs ceremonies and ritual baptisms, weddings and funerals at his church in Atro City, the Chapel of St Lucienne the Prostrate, and also at various popular wedding and funeral venues across the city.

Weddings and funerals aside, the RPC also conducts divorce ceremonies (which tends to cut out the need for working through a lawyer, and brings in almost as much revenue for St. Lucienne’s as actual weddings) for a set, modest fee (only a little less than consulting a lawyer). Due to the contentious and frequently traumatic nature of many separations, RPC divorce ceremonies are most often small, private affairs! Like the “good book” says, “let no man separate what God has joined” – so the RPC figured there was a nice loop-hole right there – and the church had been missing out on a pretty good opportunity to make more money all along, so why not make divorce officially a divine act as well as a profitable one? Like banks, Puritan churches on Deanna are legally allowed to charge for all services rendered, so by law, Valcovar could charge more for those – and he does.

Almost nobody attends divorce ceremonies – not through a lack of advertising, but more out of a desire to avoid getting caught up in drama rather than just watching it! There is usually a small retinue consisting of at least two lawyers, a pair of big bouncers and one or two trauma counselors who hang around in case any brawls break out between both parties. Paramedics would also sometimes wait outside in case anyone needed them. At least one mother-in-law might attend, looking rather pleased and self-satisfied and wearing a smug “I told you so!” expression, nodding emphatically at every other word uttered by Ramsley as he reads the “Order of the Dissolution Of Vows”.

Ramsley Valcovar, the eternal cynic, also occasionally performs rituals in Pig-Latin, just to see if anyone notices. Mostly, they don’t.

Under the Reformed Puritan Church’s billable services, weekly special are run on Indulgences, Absolution, Forgiveness, and Salvation, which could be purchased with one simple click on the Church’s page on the interweb. The takings on that side of the business are rather good, with the RPC really racking up the numbers in terms of saving people from the burden of amassing too much filthy lucre!

As a Puritan minister, Ramsley’s duties include seeing to the spiritual needs of his congregation, which means he spends much of his time visiting widows and orphans and otherwise engaging in spreading the good news of the Reformed Puritan Church – including doing Conspicuous Good Works at several local youth centers. Moderation is the key, Ramsley believes, as in everything. Whether it relates to eating, drinking or – er, other things – anything is okay as long as it’s done in moderation – and there are no witnesses… especially anyone from the parish who could ID him!

Unfortunately for Ramsley, in “The Time Saving Agency” while he’s in the middle of a ritual ceremony, blessing a new door knob for his church, something awful happens! A funny noise not unlike Beethoven being played backwards very quickly, and a flashing, blinding lightning storm that snakes around the inside of the church and melts half a dozen candle holders – and a weird, frightening, blackened, still smoking figure appears on stage with a little ‘pop’ sound! The appearance of Brad Xyl is a little too distressing for our friend Ramsley – who quite honestly wouldn’t have known what to do with faith even if it came in clearly labeled bottles, and he runs off screaming hysterically, tearing his vestments from his body – to make a reservation for one at the Willow Gardens Resort For The Temporarily Insane.

Poor, poor Valcovar. But no need to fret – he does appear again in future stories.

Feel free to email or message me via Facebook, Twitter or LinkedIn if you have any comments or questions!

All material copyright © Christina Engela, 2019.