Friends, right? Right…
Let me tell you about friendship. I’m 51 years old now, and over the span of that half-century I’ve accumulated some small level of experience in the subject. Allow me to share my experience with you.
Firstly, we come into this world alone, naked and screaming. At the end of our days, we exit this world pretty much the same way – and regardless of our attire or whether or not we’re screaming, laughing, crying or smiling at the time, we shall ultimately do so alone.
Dying you see, is one of those things one can never do in company. Yes, you might be surrounded by sincerely concerned loved ones, if you’re really, really fortunate – but when it comes time for you to slip away into the ether or pass through that veil or heavenly portal (depending on whatever brand of chicken soup for the soul you happen to ascribe to) – you will do so alone.
Nobody will go with you to hold your hand, you see. And – regardless of all the libraries of scripture, philosophy or wishful thinking that’s been written about the subject over time, as far as we know, there’s probably not going to be anyone waiting for you on the other side. I’m willing to admit that I might be wrong about that, but in the absence of any firm evidence on that particular subject, I’ll take that gamble. Just as we all have to in the end.
At any rate, in the time available to us between those two awesome defining events – our arrival and our departure from this world, paths are open to us to experience life in whichever way we choose – or not, depending on the whims of Fate. We will get to meet and interact with other people – and occasionally, to make friends.
Now, for about as long as humans and friendship have existed, even more libraries of stuff have been said and written about friendship and friends, the value of a good friend, the do’s and don’ts of friendship – what friendship is, and what defines friendship – most of it varyingly either soppy or bitter – and, as far as I can tell, objectively and woefully inaccurate on both counts – so I don’t see much point in repeating any of that guff here.
As a transwoman, the value of friendship and a real, true friend has always been quite important to me – and suffice to say, I’ve not escaped without a few surprises – and some disappointment along the way.
I’m pretty sure everyone watching this video has some reasonable idea of what friendship *is*, so allow me to deliver my thoughts on what friendship *isn’t*.
If, for example, you’re visiting someone you consider a life-long friend and his longtime girlfriend-slash-wife-slash-whatever (who never had the time of day for you in either gender) misgenders you several times in as many sentences without him even once trying to correct her or come to your defense, or even to apologize for her behavior after she’s left – let me tell you – that’s not friendship.
If you do favors for each other, help each other out when needed, as good friends supposedly do – but you’re nevertheless keenly aware that you’ve been kept separate from your friend’s family or social circle of other friends for years, and only been visited alone infrequently on a one-on-one basis – you need to wake up – you’re not his friend… you’re either his guilt trip – or his dirty little secret.
Compartmentalization is the word that describes this perfectly. You’re the “friend” he doesn’t want anyone else to know about, because… *fill in the blanks here*. Maybe he’d be too embarrassed to be publicly associated with someone like you, for whatever reason… maybe, for example, because you’re trans or gay, or maybe because he thinks you look obvious and might cause other people in his life to question his own sexuality – or because you just don’t fit in with “his kind of people” and they might wonder just why someone like him is friends with someone like you.
How could someone who’s truly your friend EVER support and even defend the sort of public, religious or political figures who advocate against your very existence and spread lies and disinformation and propaganda about people exactly like you from their platforms? Even when you point this sort of incongruity out to them? No matter whether you can change his mind or not – if he agrees with them in any way, shape or form, how could he possibly still be your friend? Even if he somehow, sort-of apologizes for it after it becomes an issue between you and you just don’t talk about it anymore?
If you find yourself feeling like you’re constantly skirting issues that might lead to another fight or argument – because you’ve been made aware of certain vital, fundamental issues that you simply don’t, and probably never could, see eye to eye on – again… here’s a revelation for you: that’s not friendship. That’s a compromise – with you holding the short end of it.
Here’s an important truth about friendships – they’re built on trust. They have to be because friends share each other’s spaces, they’re supposed to have each other’s backs. Once that initial trust is damaged or lost, sadly I think you’ll find it can never be restored to the same state it was before, if at all.
Which brings me to another vital, pertinent aspect of human relationships – here’s a thought about friendship I think you should consider: People like to think they stay the same and don’t change. Imagine that! Imagine going through 50-odd years of life in this world and never changing, adapting to overcome challenges life throws at us, without growing wiser, more experienced – and even jaded and cynical along the way. Wouldn’t that ultimately result in a stunted, immature individual? Do you think that’s true? I don’t. I think, if you look inside and reflect back on all that you’ve been through honestly, you’ll realize you’re not quite the same individual as you were when you started your journey through life all those years ago.
You’re not the same 15 year old kid that did dumb stuff for shits and giggles in the company of your high school peers, are you? Likewise, I certainly am not the same person I once was – in a lot of different ways, and not just the obvious ones.
And that’s the truth of it. People change. People grow. And would you like me to share a little secret with you about that? We’re supposed to. That’s just life!
And as we change, our relationships with other people change. Sometimes, for example, relationships grow stronger and intensify, and we realize we can’t live without that other special somebody who used to be a friend… and still is, but – also so much more. Sometimes, in astonishing moments of clarity, we marry that one special friend – and if we’re really lucky, none of all this other stuff ever comes up or matters again – it’s just background static – because of the dynamics of that revised, evolved relationship that tune it out.
Sometimes, also – and I’d say more commonly, friends outgrow each other. They just start drifting apart and then wake up one day and realize they’ve got no more shared interests, have fuck-all left in common and end up only spending more time irritating or even hurting each other than anything else.
Now, hang on, wait a minute, I’m not saying that’s true for everyone, or for every relationship. I’m also not saying that broken, hurting or damaged relationships aren’t worth bothering trying to fix – or that they can’t or even shouldn’t be. But what I am saying is, that if one day you find yourself looking at a troubled friendship you’ve valued for half your life and suddenly realize there’s been far more behavior in there that doesn’t feel like friendship at all than that which did – maybe it isn’t. And maybe it never was. Or never really will be.
At which point would you decide to protect yourself from further harm and put yourself first?
Food for thought, folks. Use it, don’t use it, it’s up to you.
Until next time.
(P.S. this article was the script for a video I posted to my YouTube Channel on October 9, 2024.)
